Terra Tries to Have a F*cking Conversation by Niara Mae

What we see of TERRA’s bedroom- her messy bed, a mirror in the corner, maybe a desk and chair.

She checks the mirror, making sure her hair’s in place, her outfit’s ok- she’s wearing dark jeans and a blue shirt.

Ready to go.

She grabs a jacket from her closet, but instead of leaving Terra sits down on her bed, facing forward.

TERRA

Ok. Ok.

She focuses intently.

Suddenly, willed into existence, things are pushed and slid into place- a counter with a little food display and register, a menu over-head, a couple of small tables and chairs.

A coffee shop is formed, or the skeleton of one.

A BARISTA steps into place behind the counter.

A line of people steps forward- the second person is MOCK TERRA, an exact replica of our Terra.

The person in front is done ordering, and Mock Terra shuffles forward.

BARISTA

Hello! Welcome to Rose’s Roast, what can I get you today?

MOCK TERRA

Hi. Could I-

TERRA

No, that’s-

MOCK TERRA

(a little more energy)

Hi! Could I-

TERRA

No that’s still it’s like, rude like he’s boring me-

MOCK TERRA

HI COULD I-

TERRA

Ok no no no go too much too much back go back!

MOCK TERRA

Hi! Could I get a green tea?

BARISTA
(bitter, hurt)

I’m fine, thanks for asking.

MOCK TERRA

What?

TERRA

What?

BARISTA

It’s like I’m not even a person to you, you come in here every-day order the same basic
ass green tea and never ask how I am, like I don’t have a soul like I don’t have feelings, you people treat me like I’m just a pit stop on the way to your drink-

TERRA

No no no no-

MOCK TERRA

(trying to save it)

I’m so sorry I didn’t even. I don’t think that no of course you’re a person it’s, of course
you are how, how are you?

BARISTA

It’s too late now! $2.75 for your tea!

TERRA

Stop stop stop go back just go back-

Everyone shuffles back into place-

Mock Terra second in line again, the Barista bright and smiling.

Terra rubs her face, stressed.

Mock Terra steps forward again.

BARISTA

Hello! Welcome to Rose’s Roast, what can I get you today?

MOCK TERRA

Hi! How’re you?

BARISTA

Good! How’re you doing today?

MOCK TERRA

Alright, thank you.

(retry)

Good, thank you.

(again)

Great, thank you. Could I get a green tea?

BARISTA

Of course! That’ll be $2.75.

MOCK TERRA
(paying with cash)

Here it is.

BARISTA

Thanks, Terra, it’ll be done in a minute.

MOCK TERRA

Terra? How did you know-

BARISTA

Your name? You come in here every day, of course I know your name. Do you. Not remember mine?

MOCK TERRA

Of course! Of course I do-

She squints, trying to see his name tag.

She can’t read it.

Of. Course I do, it’s. K-Ke, uh.

She leans in close. Too close. She’s leaning over the counter now.

This is awkward.

Her feet lift up off the floor, she’s so close.

This is weird.

Kenneth! Kenneth, yes, hi I know your name, yes.

TERRA
(a frustrated hiss)

Glassesssss-

Everything resets.

Before she steps up, Mock Terra pulls a pair of glasses from her bag and puts them on.

BARISTA

Hello! Welcome to Rose’s Roast, what can I get you today?

MOCK TERRA

Hi! How’re you?

BARISTA

Good! How’re you doing today?

MOCK TERRA

Great, thank you-

She looks at his name tag, quick and smooth.

Kenneth. Could I get a green tea?

TERRA

Oh!

MOCK TERRA
(tacking on)

Please?

BARISTA

Of course! That’ll be $2.75.

MOCK TERRA
(going to pull the money out)

Here it-

The person behind her pulls out a knife and stabs her.

Mock Terra jolts, looks at the still smiling Barista, and then sort of awkwardly crumples to the ground.

Everyone in the shop stares down at her, flopped on the floor.

On the bed, Terra raises her hands up, stunned.

She gestures wildly, lost for words.

Finally-

TERRA

What the actual hell?

A moment.

Because what the actual hell?

Terra smacks her cheeks.

Start over that’s not, it’s not gonna happen.

Everything resets.

Mock Terra steps forward.

BARISTA

Hello! Welcome to Rose’s Roast, what can I get you today?

MOCK TERRA

Hi! How’re you?

BARISTA

Good! How’re you-

Suddenly, a commotion at one of the tables.

A patron hits their chest, choking.

Both Terra’s stare a little dumbly, shocked.

Oh my God! You have to help!

Nothing.

BARISTA

Terra!

Both look at him.

TERRA

ME?

MOCK TERRA

Me?

The people in line push her forward, frantic.

TERRA

Ok, ok, just. Just.

Mock Terra gets behind the patron, moving her arms to his front.

And she kind of just.

Hangs out there, hands uselessly in the air.

BARISTA

Do something!

MOCK TERRA

I don’t, I don’t know!

BARISTA

Anything!

Now she’s just awkwardly hugging this choking person from behind.

They slump forward, quiet.

Sirens sound in the distance.

MOCK TERRA
(weak)

I’m gonna be late to work.

TERRA

Stop stop stop stop go back, go back this is. This is a lot right now.

Reset.

BARISTA

Hello! Welcome to Rose’s Roast, what can I get you today?

MOCK TERRA

Hi! How’re you?

BARISTA

Good! How’re you doing today?

MOCK TERRA

Great, thank you Kenneth. Could I get a green tea?

BARISTA

Of course, that’ll be $2.75.

MOCK TERRA

Here it is.

Barista slides her cup forward.

BARISTA

Have a great one!

MOCK TERRA

Thanks.

She takes it, and goes to put some sugar in, but.

Oh.

TERRA
(horrified)

Oh God.

MOCK TERRA

Oh no.

TERRA

Please God no not this.

Mock Terra turns back.

Then turns forward.

Then back.

Forward again.

Takes a few steps to the door.

Hovering uncertainly.

Terra reacts accordingly in the background.

This is the worst possible situation.

She tries to gather herself.

No. No, just. Just go back just say
Say. Uh.

Mock Terra meekly shuffles back.

Tries to clear her throat.

MOCK TERRA
(too low)

Excuse. Excuse me.

BARISTA

What’s that?

MOCK TERRA
(still too quiet)

This is the wrong. This is not. I ordered-

BARISTA

Sorry I can’t, I can’t hear you.

MOCK TERRA
(reluctantly louder)

This is the wrong order I got a green tea, not mint.

Absolute silence. Both Terras wait, tense.

BARISTA

You must be mistaken. Check the tag, that’s green tea.

MOCK TERRA

No, it’s not it’s. It’s mint you can smell it.

BARISTA
(smiling tightly)

Please check again, I’m sure it’s not.

Mock Terra checks the tag.

What little fight she had seeps out of her.

Terra watches, stunned.

MOCK TERRA

Sure it’s. Sure. Sorry, sorry, thank you.

BARISTA

Of course. Have a good one.

Mock Terra goes to exit.

Terra jumps up, outraged.

TERRA

NO! No, it’s NOT that’s MINT TEA! That’s! This is! Like every other time, they fuck up
my order or someone cuts in front of me or steals my idea and I didn’t say shit I didn’t
say anything, and I, I. I have to.

She realizes something. Checks her phone.

I have to go I’m late I have to-

Terra snatches up her jacket, shrugging it on as she hurries out.

The set moves with her, the actual very real cafe coming into focus.

Another patron is going to open the door but Terra blows past them, stumbling into the cafe.

She’s sweaty and out of breath.

The Barista waits patiently for her to get herself together.

Terra sucks in a deep breath.

TERRA

HELLO I WOULD LIKE-

BARISTA

Hey! Green tea to go?

TERRA
(taken aback)

Wha, what? Huh?

BARISTA
(meekly)

Green tea? I mean, that’s what you usually get, so I just. Assumed, sorry do you want something else? I could be wrong-

TERRA

No that’s. That’s what I get yeah that’s. Thank you, uh. Uh.

She squints.

(a horrified whisper)

I forgot my glasses.

BARISTA

Great! Give me one minute and I’ll have it ready for you.

He turns, getting her drink.

Terra frantically goes through her bag, but can’t find her glasses.

Here you are.

He slides the cup forward.

She stares at it blankly.

Ralph.

TERRA

Ralph?

BARISTA

Ralph that’s. Me that’s my name. Sorry I could have. Said that better, ha.

Terra looks at him.

He smiles sheepishly.

Her shoulders drop.

TERRA

Oh.

She takes her cup.

Thanks, Ralph.

BARISTA

I actually. Don’t remember your name I’m so sorry I’m horrible with names-

Terra lets out a little laugh.

TERRA

It’s Terra.

BARISTA

Terra, right. Thanks. $2.75, Terra.

TERRA
(paying)

Sure.

BARISTA

Have a good one.

TERRA

You too.

She exits the cafe.

And then stands outside on the sidewalk, dazed.

Huh.

She sips her tea, turning and walking off.

END.

Niara Mae is a playwright, actress and director from the Washington, D.C. area. Most recently, she’s written for Here We Go’s 24 Hour Play Festival, and worked with The Language of Us podcast. She graduated from The New School for Drama in May. 

More of Niara’s Plays in Mixed Mag:

Water Your Plants (Issue 7)

I Signed Another Petition Today (Issue 6)

Hair (Issue 5)

Remarkable (Issue 4)

Getting Married Today (Issue 3)

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