Image by: Tyler Devon Holmes (she/they) instagram: @tydoesarts
Everything is shallow until one day it is not. Things become great, and big and powerful in ways you never knew. Old sayings begin to hold a heavy weight, and what was inconsequential has now festered deep roots. Entrenched and tangled in the vines of your body, and to re-plant would mean pain. If it wasn’t for someone inflicting that small pain, you would carry on your days claiming it wasn’t deep, until that very day it was.
Like a friend whose face you have seen a million times, or more. One day she decides to not come to class. One day she bails. You look around puzzled and ask yourself, where did that person who was always here go? You think deeply in her absence. Maybe you wonder where she could be if not here, because she is always here. You never miss the weather till it changes.
Now maybe you think even further, why do you miss her? Is she special, and what makes her such? Maybe you think about how out of all the people you see, this person is rare. Maybe this person adds an undeniable sparkle to your life. Like when you lock eyes with someone, and your breath is taken away. All that is good and pure in the world is restored by this person, and furthermore they like you. You feel chosen, worthy, and hell, even honored. These people are rare, and there is no denying it. Everyone wants to be wanted by someone who might not want them. Sometimes love is like that. Sacred, and seclusive at the same time.
Now, what if you and that person have the fight of all fights. Where there is love, there is often passion. Suddenly there is rage, maybe betrayal. Have you ever had someone you loved, hate you? It’s an awfully confusing, hurtful, and agonizing feeling. You will know when it is happening.
The valley feels so low, because you were once propped against a mountain. Now you have no choice but to change your perspective. You could be stubborn and deny the existence, but nonetheless you’re at rock bottom. And if you’ve ever been perched so highly above everyone else, that’s one hell of a new outlook. It’s common sense to reject it. After the nullifying acceptance of defeat, odds are you’ll spend eternity trying to climb that mountain again. You might never reach the top again, but you’ll never forget what the peak felt like. What it looked like to be that high. What it felt like to fall.
In this world, through many sleepless nights, I have prayed for balance. To be restored not better than my neighbor, not worse, but to exist. That’s enough. To live in this perfect dichotomy within my mind and its complexes. Try to do more of the good, and the strength to avoid the bad, we pray for an even break. My biggest battle in life is the friction that rubs against me. To
charge the fuel that in return ignites my flame. To give love to everything, and everyone I meet. Despite the overwhelming absence of it.
There is no heaven without hell. To know kindness, is to have felt cruelty. To be alive, is to live a million tiny deaths. No folly, no wisdom. No wax, no wane. No virtue, no vice. No joy, no sorrow. Please meet me in the middle. Where the black and white make hues of gray.
Amber Lee Varnado is a writer, and multi-media artist. With an academic background in film, she really enjoys the art of storytelling. She is currently taking some time to focus on more personal projects. She’s found that writing really has been the best tool of expression for her. Amber Lee is located in Los Angeles, California. She hopes to be able to write for a living one day, and continues to write bedroom poetry, and songs in the shower.